


Compromised

by ralf



Series: ralf works through her 2B feelings [3]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Communication, Emotional, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-14
Updated: 2021-03-14
Packaged: 2021-03-22 11:29:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,398
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30038028
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ralf/pseuds/ralf
Summary: Alec closes his eyes for a brief moment. “It's..” He makes a helpless gesture between them. “It's me, us. I'm compromised.”The words settle sourly in Magnus's stomach. He's not sure he likes where this is going. “Alec, if anybody thinks you shouldn't be with a Downworlder or that I'd manipulate you into warlock favoritism--”“It's not anybody, Magnus,” Alec interrupts. “It'sme.”
Relationships: Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood
Series: ralf works through her 2B feelings [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2159574
Comments: 13
Kudos: 97





	Compromised

**Author's Note:**

> WOW this fic gave me so much grief. But on the upside, I think it's its best possible version now, so please enjoy! But note that while in theory this is a stand-alone it reads incomplete without at least part one (and preferably also part two) of this series.

Evening finds Alec on the balcony, arms braced on the banister and breathing in the cooling air and lively noise from the streets below. Magnus steps outside and leans next to him, their shoulders touching and Alec pushes into the contact with a sigh, tired but content. It warms Magnus's heart and makes it easier to gather himself for what is to come.

He grants Alec a few more minutes of peace before he turns towards him and gently asks, “Will you tell me what's been bothering you?”

Alec meets his eyes, surprise flickering over his face, quickly followed by the intent to deflect.

“Alec,” Magnus says, nothing more.

It's enough for Alec's knee-jerk reaction to dissipate but nevertheless caution and nerves linger. Alec presses his lips together for a while until he finally answers, “I don't want to hurt you.”

A concession, a warning, but not a refusal. Magnus can work with that.

 _You won't_ , he instinctually wants to assure but that's a sentiment that won't appease Alec so he just nods in acknowledgement. _I can handle it. I still want to help._

Alec nods back and draws a long breath. “I have... doubts. About my leadership skills.”

“If this is about the Clave...” Magnus doesn't know what exactly went down between the administration of the New York Institute and the Clave in the face of them seamlessly picking up relations with the Downworld after an almost-rebellion but he can imagine that Alec is under a lot of pressure from Alicante.

“It's not that,” Alec says. He sounds defeated when he goes on, “The thing with the Soul Sword...”

They had discussed Alec's reasoning for not telling him about the Soul Sword and realized during this conversation that either disregarding Magnus's feelings completely and only following logic, or disregarding logic completely and only considering Magnus's feelings would have both led to Alec telling Magnus about the Soul Sword. Solely by trying to act logical but ultimately failing to entirely disregard personal matters had Alec made the decision to withhold the information and this weighs heavily on him. By trying to spare Magnus's feelings Alec had gone and done the exact opposite.

Magnus softly places his hand on Alec's shoulder. “One miscalculation doesn't make you unfit to be a leader, Alexander.”

Alec's lips purse into a frown. “It's not that, either.” He closes his eyes for a brief moment. “It's..” He makes a helpless gesture between them. “It's me, us. I'm compromised.”

The words settle sourly in Magnus's stomach. He's not sure he likes where this is going. “Alec, if anybody thinks you shouldn't be with a Downworlder or that I'd manipulate you into warlock favoritism--”

“It's not anybody, Magnus,” Alec interrupts. “It's _me_.” He shakes his head. “I don't believe that you'd manipulate me. But...” He turns his gaze on the skyline in front of them. “I meant what I said, outside the Hunter's Moon. I don't think I can live without you.” His jaw clenches. “It scares me to think what I'd do to ensure that you stay by my side. But as a leader I can't let my personal feelings interfere. I have to do what is right, not what is best for me.”

Magnus blinks, hurt, and tries to stave off the emotions rising in him. It's so twisted and wrong, to have Alec's feelings for him recognized as a hindrance, a burden, something to be wary of when they were always supposed to be a reprieve of hardships.

But didn't he break things off with Alec for a similar reason, so he could focus on his duties towards his people? Is this how Alec felt in that hallway when Magnus walked away?

Before Magnus can think to say anything Alec continues, like he can't stop now that he's started. “I'm scared to think what I'd do to keep you, regardless of the consequences for the Shadowhunters under my command and that's.. these aren't the qualities of a good leader. Do you know how infuriated I was with Jace when Clary first showed up because Jace threw caution to the wind, forgot everything we ever learned, the laws, _common sense_ , and did absolutely anything for her? And I'm doing exactly the same, I'm just as bad as him.” He pauses. “No, I'm actually worse because Jace is just a soldier while I'm in a position of power and I have responsibilities and.. and now I'm crying to you that I fear I might be unable to put my job in front of you.” He turns to Magnus then and the mix of helplessness and desperation in his eyes hits Magnus in the chest like a punch. “Who _does_ that?”

Unable to form a reply right away Magnus takes Alec's hand where it rests on the stone of the railing. It's warm, a stark contrast to the chilly air around them, and Magnus can feel Alec's tension in the way his fingers curl around Magnus's a bit too tightly. Holding Alec's hand is a familiar sensation and Magnus focuses on it instead of his swirling emotions because yielding to those won't help either of them. Alec told him this because he asked and because he trusts him. What Magnus needs is a clear mind to resolve this, for both of them.

He squeezes Alec's fingers. “Let's think it through, alright?”

Alec looks troubled, his mouth set in an unhappy line, but he nods.

“You are bound by the Accords, correct?” Magnus starts. “Enforcing them is the core of your duty. Kill demons and protect the lives of innocents.”

Alec nods again.

“This includes Downworlders. The only time I'd ever want you to move against one of your own is if they had already disregarded the Accords in the first place by endangering the life of a Downworlder and then you'd be within your rights as a leader, fulfilling your duty.”

Alec blinks but remains otherwise still.

“And if you were sending your Shadowhunters into a dangerous situation to protect Downworlders from harm then it would also just be you doing your job.”

It's difficult to tell what Alec is thinking. His eyes are dark, fixed on their intertwined hands, unreadable.

“I'd never ask or want you to meddle with an internal affair of the Downworld. And that, too, is in line with the Accords,” Magnus finishes. “Anything you could do for me is something the Accords demand of you anyway, Alexander. Your loyalty is not to the Clave. It's to doing the right thing. And I've only ever wanted you to do what you believe to be right. Nothing else.”

Seconds tick by, quiet and endless, until Alec speaks. “What if there comes a time where I believe it necessary to keep information from you to do the right thing? What then?”

His eyes find Magnus's again and it is like looking into a flaming fire, intense, a bit hypnotic and equal parts soothing and daunting. Magnus meets his gaze head-on because that's the only way to meet a force like this. With steadiness, security. Candor.

“I don't know, Alexander,” he admits, cupping Alec's face. “I don't know what to do then. But sometimes you just don't know what to do.”

It's apparent that this answer doesn't bring Alec much comfort so Magnus smoothes his thumb over Alec's cheek and continues. “What I do know though is that we are stronger together. That I don't want to be apart from you again. And that we can overcome anything if we have each other's back.”

Alec sighs, a sound somewhere between weary and acceptant.

“Don't you believe that, too?”

“I do,” Alec replies without hesitation. “But...” He trails off.

“Look,” Magnus says. “I don't think not telling me about the Soul Sword was the right choice. But I understand why you did it. Your intentions were good. And you were forgiven for any hurt you caused.”

Alec closes his eyes at this, pressing into Magnus's palm and Magnus hears the unspoken _Thank you_ in the gesture.

“Whatever happens, happens. And didn't you tell me that we could figure things out?”

Using their own words against each other is a theme for them by now, and Alec blinks his eyes open, the tension in his frame finally easing a bit. “You're right,” he concedes, leaning in until their forheads touch. “Together we can figure things out.”


End file.
